Twitter/ Facebook Wit

I enjoy reading status updates on Facebook and Twitter. I read somewhere that status updates are modern day haikus. They need to be short, and to be memorable, witty. Here are some that I wrote and some that I found recently in a book called "Twitter Wit" :

1. Overheard a mom say, "We ain't gettin' THAT doll. She don't DO nothing!" Then watched the girl's 3-year-old imagination & grammar die.


2. My 2yr old keeps declaring w/great merriment "Happy Stupid, Happy stupid!!!". I think we'll start celebrating that holiday as well.


3. London city airport. Where form meets function. And they have a fight.


4. I get really uncomfortable when people ask embarrassing questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"


5. I bet I know what you are thinking about when you hear the words "penetrates" and "soothes" during a shampoo commercial ;-)


6. The three worst mistakes you can make are overpromising and underdelivering. 


7. Cosmo features an article titled "How to Outsmart a Date Rapist," which is handy in light of prevailing "How to Be Date-Rape Bait" content. 


8. Why aren't martini glasses shaped so that they don't spill so easily on the bus?


9. Please tell your grandfather to stop sending me Evites to parties in his pants. 


10. You know what this guitar needs? Lessons. 


11. I don't believe in holidays that Google doesn't change its logo for.


12. Both my son and my fridge have leaked onto the floor tonight. Hopefully the dishwater isn't fazed by peer pressure. 


13. Somebody picked my dwarf friend's pocket last night. I mean, seriously, who would stoop so low?


14. At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is Goth's version of Googling yourself. 


15. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by peeling out after hitting that Pinto!


16. Wait. "Vagabond" means nomad? I always though it was some kind of vaginal adhesive. 


17. To stimulate the economy, first we must find its G-spot. 


18. I respect your right to express your opinion as long as you respect my right to slowly lose interest in whatever it is you're talking about. 


19. I did not hit you. I just high-fived your face. 


20. Some people don't like Vietnamese food, but I don't know what they are complaining pho. 


21. You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a once-thought lost earring. 


22. You know, most of the Harry Potter book plots would be over in 3 chapters if they had a decent search engine. 


23. The most pessimistic sentence possible: "Rainbows are shaped like frowns."


24. The tomato is the tranny of fruit. 


25. Happy Birthday to my car! It is two years old today. Taking it to Lozano for a car wash. 


26. Just finished watching Eclipse. Plot recap: Like I love Edward... whatever I love Jacob.... omg I love Edward :D


27. Thank God it is T.G.I.F!